Mommy's Musings

I spend a lot of time trying to teach my kids to live right.  That there are rules and they need to follow them whether they like them or not.  But somewhere along the line when we become adults we tend to decide some rules are good enough to be followed and others we either disregard or try to circumvent.

My question is why?  Why do we decide which rules we are willing to follow and which ones apply to other people.  When other people break the rules we rail at the fact it is unfair that they got away with it and benefited by breaking it and we were penalized by following it.

They say lack of rules will lead to anarchy however it seems most of us spend time working around them everyday, whether speeding on the highway, fudging numbers on taxes or lying to loved ones.

What would happen if everyone followed the rules?  Think about it, it starts with breaking the small rules like fibbing to your parents or swiping that first piece of candy at the store.  Then the more we get away with it the more we decide the rules are meant for everyone else.  Eventually living by your own rules because the norm rather than the exception so why do we bother trying to teach kids to follow the rules?

A friend of mine said to me last week if you don’t like where you are take some action and step forward.  I was in the middle of what I will call a major pouting episode where I was frustrated with my supporting character role in my life.  So like all preschoolers do when the pout I said “fine I am not going to talk, to support, or help rescue anyone anymore!”   “That will teach them”   However being a competent adult and not a preschooler I realized very quickly that flaws in that plan.  It would teach no one but me a lesson that life moves on and pouters get left in the corner.  So I made a promise to myself via that conversation that whenever I got frustrated I would take one step forward.

Now here is my question are mothers by nature more prone to put everyone else first?  If so who creates that expectation?  Society?  Ourselves?  our own mothers?

A “good mother” always puts their children first. A “good wife” always puts their husbands first.  That is at least how it appears society view it.  So, since I have been a mother my entire adult life, it is very difficult to put myself 1st.  The kids need new shoes so my haircut can wait, my kids need a haircut so my new shoes can wait, and so it goes on and on until finally everyone’s needs have been taken care of and maybe you can find a little me time.  Then when you take the me time or spend money to purchase something for yourself all those little guilty feelings start popping up.  I should be doing this, I could have gotten that thing the kids need.

How difficult is it for you to take that first step and take care of yourself first?  The kids have everything they need maybe not everything they want.  So how do you teach yourself to accept that it is good enough?  If it takes the kids moving on to college and giving you that empty nest then boy do I have a long wait.  My younger 2 are 8 and almost 4.   When you have been Mommy for 27 yrs how do you effectively allow yourself to be defined in other roles?

So I am now taking the journey to being ME first, then a mom, wife, grandmother and all the other various roles I need to fulfill in my daily life.  It is a tricky balancing act to make sure one role does not become your identity.  Having the self confidence in yourself that your other roles are just as worthy of acknowledgment that you have knowledge beyond how to deal with skinned knees and runny noses.

The skills you use to manage your household are also very effective skills for managing a business.  Moms are the adapt at dealing with customer service issues as they frequently are dealing with the most vocal dis-satisfied customers, their own children when they don’t like the rules.   Bookkeeping because they usually manage the household finances and have learned to make that dollar stretch.  Product procurement since they are usually the number one purchases of the household good. Crisis management is their best skill because having a household with children generally has a daily crisis be it hurt feelings of a drama queen or a true medical emergency like an asthma attack.

Have you ever read something or listened to something and said to yourself “I knew that” ,”I said that” or “I did that”?  Chances are you probably did but others have enough confidence in themselves to move that thought forward whereas you probably thought “who want to hear what I have to say?”

So as I write this all down for all to see, I realize that is a trap of our own making.  You can still be supportive, nurturing, rescuing caretaker as well as a competent adult that has much to offer with out having to always rescue, support and take care of others.  Embrace that part of your nature as it is part of who you are but  also realize that is only part of who you are and you are the sum total of all of those parts.

Realize you have a voice that deserves to be heard and recognized.  Don’t spend all your time and energy only supporting others and allow others to support you once in a while.

Step out of the shadows and know that others will value you just as much for your thoughts and opinions as you do theirs.  Find your validation in yourself and your own voice not in the faces of other people.  Use your knowledge base to allow yourself to advance not just to propel others forward.

So although we may have been trained to be in a supporting role we can also train ourselves to take the lead once in a while.

When interacting on the internet how much personal information should you share.  I participate in many groups, forums, podcast chats, twitter and to a lessor degree Facebook regularly and am amazed at what people share in groups.  I have always tended to be a private person so I struggle with how much is too much information.

Writing is something I have never been particularly comfortable with and when I started blogging it was mainly to promote sales and sellers on an auction site I was participating in.  I then discovered that it was a good way to express my thoughts when things that others were saying did not make sense to me or to try and objectively process a hot topic (usually eBay).  So I really needed something to stir my emotions to get me to write and then I try and be as objective as possible in what I have to say.  However, that leads to blog posts being very few and far between, not a good way to attract an audience to what I have to say.

My main presence on social space revolves around ecommerce so I try and stick to those types of subjects.  Yet, being an online business owner is not the sum total of my life so by only talking about those topics am I greatly narrowing my interactions.  I have a complicated life just like 99% of the people the world, do others really want to hear about it?  My friends say share more about the mistakes and triumphs you have made, share more about being a mother, wife, grandmother.  Share how you juggle all your complications so others can learn from you and your mistakes.

There are so many hot button topics on the internet today it makes it difficult to have open discussions.  Some people can have intelligent though provoking discussions about them yet others always revert to name calling and bashing.   My friends say talking about some topics take away the stigma, well that all depends on who you are talking to sometimes it further entrenches it.

So as I am thinking about it tonight I realize their is no such thing as private on the internet.  It reminds me of the old game of telephone, what you share with one group of people has absolutely no guarantee of having the same context as it winds its way along the web.

I had a friend who belonged to a forum and as a joke the admin put in silly profiles for the members that fit with the group.  However when that friend moved into a different group someone found that profile and was no longer see as a joke, it was interpreted as a true profile and did a lot of damage.

Other people I know are talked about behind their backs in other forums and others’ opinions are take as the truth without anyone contacting the person being spoken about.  I have seen comments taken from one forum and pasted as a quote into another forum with no concern about context.  So how safe is it to discuss the trial and tribulations of your life online?

I suspect as I get more comfortable with blogging the blog will probably start to evolve and include more and more parts of my life .  Yet, I will always be aware of the fact that whatever I chose to write about is then available for other to do as they see fit.

There are all types of people in this world some who are uplifting and others who live to tear people down and each in turn will interact in a way that suits them best.

So, how much of your private life, thoughts and opinions do you share in your interactions on social space??

I look forward to reading others opinions.